Archive for the Sports Category

Knicksmas All Year!

Posted in Knicksmas, Sports on April 22, 2013 by Lupa

Suck on that cowboy!

It’s NBA playoff time knuckleheads, the most wonderful time of the year!

That means Saint Knick has brought us a gift from the heavens.  It came to me like the burning bush to Moses, except it was it was Walt Clyde, Ol Saint Knick himself!

Saint Knick

He says to me “Alex do a podcast on the Knicks.”

I know what you’re thinking.  Clyde doesn’t speak like that.  He rhymes with unmitigated ease; his words flow like the Nile river.  You can’t hear him call a game without checking the dictionary.

Well, Clyde as Saint Knick is a man of few words.  He also took a diesel ass shit in my bathroom, the smell of which peeled the paint off my walls.  It’s all love though.

Listen if you dare as we discuss Knick/Celtics Game 1 and a couple other topics, including me asking my esteemed panelists the question no one is asking: why did the Yankees put up a Red Sox banner to honor the Boston Marathon victims, but the Knicks did not put up a Celtics banner?

Boomer & Carton SUCK!

Posted in NY/NJ, Radio, Sports with tags , , , on April 6, 2011 by Lupa

For the life of me I don’t understand what people see in the Boomer & Carton show on WFAN.

First you have Boomer Esiason who is about as funny, witty and exciting as an empty can of Pringle’s.  Then you throw in his egregious smugness and I literally want to end his life with my bare hands, strangling him until his eyes pop out of his head like a jack in the box.  Added to which the guy never won shit, come on, can’t we get a winner?  He is to radio what the rainbow “broadcast is lost” picture is to TV.

Then you have Carton who, like every jock since, went to the Howard Stern school of broadcasting and got a D.  Note to Craig: not everything you say is funny, in fact, hardly anything of it is, but you certainly believe it to be true.  Kind of sucks for Craig that he does all the work but is still second fiddle to Boomer All In That Azz.  Watching on TV is even more insufferable, the way you see him constantly grab the mic as if to say, “let’s get intimate here, I’m one of you guys.”  Why do people in entertainment think every bald guy is the “everyman” relatable type?  Not to mention he has a voice made for braille. 

At least Craig seems likeable in real life, and in fact I’ve heard he is a really nice guy.  So Craig, The Cartel gives your shiny head having, “all right” saying in the really Guido way a pass.  Live it up, the Cartel doesn’t issue many passes.

Boomer, sorry motherfucker, we’re coming for you.  Because you suck on the radio and you owe us money!

Viva La Cartel!

Still Think College Basketball Than The NBA?

Posted in Sports with tags , , , on April 5, 2011 by Lupa

It’s halftime in the NCAA Final and Charles Barkley just said this game is so ugly it reminds of the girls he used to get before he got rich and famous.


Just let that marinate for a second…  The ugliest girls Alabama has to offer… 30 years ago.  Picture that.  Blood type chicken grease hos with chitlin chewing gum.  

Some literal criticism would be Greg Anthony saying it is the worst NCAA Final he has ever seen.  So the question remains, why is there anyone that hangs on to the naive notion that somehow, in any way, college basketball is a better product, experience or execution of fundamentals than the NBA?

If you believe it is I’d like you to go get your medical treatment from an amateur instead of a professional.  Or fly on vacation by the airline which employs the nation’s best amateur pilots.  Better yet, call the amateur cops when there’s a crime you witness.

In 20 minutes of play two teams combines for about 40 points.  Do you really think we would ever see a game 7 of an NBA final play that long and score that little?

College basketball is probably the worst it’s ever been, and of course it is the talent which never sees a frat in their life (bless them for that)  which is the cause.

So I leave you college fans to watch your inferior product which you pump up because these kids don’t get paid. 

But they’re trying SOOOOO hard!

Mr. Met Seriously Hurt After Sheen Mistakes Him For Yayo

Posted in Current Events, General, NY/NJ, Society, Sports with tags , , on February 10, 2011 by Lupa

Right after my story on Charlie went to print, The Cartel received some disturbing Sheen related news.

It seems that in a cocaine and booze induced psychosis, Charlie sliced Mr. Met’s head with a razor blade thinking his head was a big rock of blow.

The story goes that Mr. Met was in LA for an anthropomorphic baseball mascot convention when he encountered Charlie walking down the Sunset Strip.  Mr. Met attempted to get Charlie’s autograph when all hell broke loose.  Charlie, fresh out of his rehab, had apparently fallen off the wagon and mistook Mr. Met for fresh product from the heartland of Bolivia.

When I have more on this, you’ll get it.  Let’s pray for Mr. Met.  He needs a blood transfusion, but like Prince, we’re still trying to figure what exactly Mr. Met is.  His license lists an address in Corona, Queens, hopefully his family can shed some light on this.  I hope Lady Met and the little Met children have the strength to get through this tragedy.

Told You The Black Eyed Peas Suck

Posted in Current Events, General, Hollywood, Music, Society, Sports with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2011 by Lupa

It seems like the most pervasive observation on this years Super Bowl was not the game itself, it was everyone wondering aloud what The Cartel’s readers were so thoroughly informed of already: the Black Eyed Peas fuckin BLOW!

I know after a tittie, a black tittie at that, got flashed by that good for nothing Timberfake the NFL has to now go with the most banal, spiceless halftime shows, but damn, this halftime show sucked.

For entertainment purposes I watched, with utter disgust, this group try to be interesting.  They just can’t.  They are impotent to cross the interesting threshold even in the least discernible way.  By the time that animated corpse Slash showed up I was ready to barf.  I had to stop.

That’s being a little tough on Slash because he was the most endearing thing about an overratted 80’s band fronted by a huge tool, but still, at this point Slash has to stay with his snakes in the basement.

I mean what the fuck were they wearing?  I wouldn’t even use those clothes as jizz rags.

Funny thing I was Facetiming with my mother when it was on and she said, “Oh it’s the Black Eyed Peas… you don’t like them do you.”

Hell no, Mom knows because she’s a member of the Cartel.

She says, “Alex, what are the other two guys’ names besides Fergie and Will.I.Am?”

“Role players # 1 & 2 aka Fergie and Will.I.Am’s tax write offs aka their laundry folders when the cameras are off.” I say.  She couldn’t have set me up better.  It’s almost like I lived in her body for 9 months a long time ago.

I’m completely struck by the anti BEP sentiment though because someone is buying these albums or downloading their music.  All of a sudden your favorite band stinks it up and you treat them with the same respect Isiah Thomas treats black women?

1,2,3 all together, Black Eyed Peas STIINNNKKKKKKKKKK!

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