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What Do Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly & Glenn Beck Have In Common and Why? Lady Gaga Because…

Posted in Hollywood, Music, NY/NJ, Politics, Print, Society with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2014 by Lupa



Poke Her Face

Poke Her Face

A number of well known conservative men have an affection for Lady Gaga. How do I know?  Let’s skip the appetizer and head to dessert, shall we?

On Don Imus’ website is a listing of guests who have provided them with a list of their 5 favorite songs of all time.

Can’t say I’m a fan of the I-Man, but his indelible radio legacy is undisputed.  In any event, assuming this information is accurate, the selections of the individuals are fascinating and ultimately very telling. You can tell a lot by what a person listens to.

Music preference is the number one medium or artform from which some derive their entire identification.  You aren’t what you eat, you’re what you listen to.  Punks, hip hop heads, ravers, jazz heads etc are all collectives based on music preference elevated to a lifestyle.Lady Gaga

I thought it interesting then when going through the list that I saw a song by Lady Gaga among the selections of Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

What is a person who is perhaps the gay community’s favorite artist and advocate doing on the list of the all time favorite songs by some stuffy, older conservative guys?  For context, lets look at these individuals self described 5 favorite songs. (Links source to the Imus lists)

 Donald Trump 

For someone like the Donald, it’s hard to know if he ever does anything sincerely, unless sincerity is what is needed for self aggrandizement.  If this is an honest list I think the most noteworthy thing is that all the songs attempt to express an emotion.  For someone who seems robotic and alien, it puts a human touch on Trump.  You’d think he’d listen to John Cage experimental music or to white noise, but to him it would sound like the Beatles.

Bill O'Reilly

Bill will get you the O, with apparently less

Bill O’Reilly

Bill in contrast to Donald we can say with confidence is a terrestrial human being.  Most of his choices are feel good and upbeat, with the exception of the Elvis song, though it’s not like Kentucky Rain is Seasons In The Sun.  I’m thinking he arrived at this by figuring out what he bumps on his ear buds after hitting the sack drunk on a Saturday while his producer – I mean wife – sleeps next to him.


Guess what I’m gonna do with this finger?

Glenn Beck

Not that I particularly enjoy his picks, but Beck clearly is the biggest music fan of the bunch.  His list is entirely contemporary which might indicate he believes music is getting better as time goes by and that possibly if he were asked in ten years what his favorite tracks are they could be all different.  I think the exclusion of a single song from his youth indicates a bit of fraud however.  Even Trump included a song from the 60’s, which I guess is the farthest back he’s comfortable with being nostalgic, probably because he was still a relative peon then.

What does it all mean?

It certainly is a tad ironic Lady Gaga would show up on these guys’ lists. It’s almost like if Ted Nugent showed up on Rachel Maddow’s list.  I think they genuinely like the songs, but I believe there is a psychological explanation.

The brain can connect the senses with a memory that coincides with when the song was heard.  This can produce vivid memories and intense feelings associated with the song.  It’s why whenever I hear Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue I’m transported in my mind to a random strip club.  I believe all these men use Lady Gaga in the same way, to conjure up a pleasant memory.

They say men are only as faithful as their options, and these guys have a lot of options.  For one they are filthy rich and two they are famous and work in entertainment.  Those two qualities ensure these men’s options will be as prolific as spheres in a ball pit – worldwide day or night; a gold digger can smell money on other planets.

My theory is that Lady Gaga is the favorite artist of these men’s side pieces, aka goomars aka mistresses and as a result they associate Lady Gaga with being knee deep in a 23 year old that without the money and fame would feel awkward shaking hands with them.  Every time they hear these Lady Gaga songs, in their mind they are laying pipe in an exclusive neighborhood when under normal circumstances they would be on Tinder with their college photo talking about their great personality.  Or chilling with wifey, assuming they’d still be married.  Keep in mind the subjects we’re dealing with.

Of course that’s just conjecture as I’m not a mind reader (and I don’t need another day in court).  Occam’s Razor would tell us that removing all assumptions we should take them at their word though that is technically assuming they were being forthright about their favorite songs.  I don’t trust a razor I can’t shave with anyway.

In all fairness these guys distort the truth to millions to the tune (wink) of millions every day for self enrichment and involuntary notoriety interpreted as sanctimony to some, verity to others.  What’s a little marital infidelity in comparison?

While there was no lack of interesting tidbits from Imus’ page, here are a select few:

Chris Christie picked 5 Bruce Springsteen songs.  Ultra fan boy CC couldn’t bring himself to even consider another artist having better songs than Bruce.  I never understood the phenomenon of  getting intensely attached to one group and seeing them play over and over again.  In fairness, he could have done a lot worse.  A lot.  This essentially reveals however that Christie is loyal to what he wants to be, not necessarily what he should be.  I mean, he didn’t even throw in a Southside Johnny song.  Nope.  Every New Year’s Eve Christie cries himself to sleep playing Glory Days.

Cesar MilanDavid Patterson, Shepard Smith and Chris Wallace all had Empire State of Mind by Jay Z and Alicia Keys.  Andrea Tantaros, Jeanine Pirro and Mike Tyson also listed Jay Z songs.

Hulk Hogan picked three songs by his daughter Brooke.  Yeah OK Hulkster.

One of former Governor Mike Huckabee’s favorite songs is Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.  Mike buddy, you DO understand it’s about drugs right?


Interview With A Non Violent Torpedo

Posted in Current Events, Hollywood, NY/NJ, Politics, Society, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 8, 2011 by Lupa

Charlie Sheen’s My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option tour hits Radio City this weekend and it’s worth noting he could have done better with that title.

I mean, aren’t all torpedos intrinsically violent?  Do they make pacifist Ghandi spewing torpedos?  Isn’t that like saying my sweet lollipop or the wet water?

Some of his crackhead ramblings are kind of interesting from a grammatical standpoint, but this is just loco right?  Not so.

The Cartel was contacted by a WWII torpedo from Sweden named Erik who said I have it all wrong.   He, in fact, is a non violent torpedo, there are others like him and it validates Sheen’s show title.  I had a chance to speak with Erik, someone who speaks fluent English.

Lupa:  Thanks Erik for talking with us.

Erik:  No problem Alex.

Lupa:  So tell us how you came to be a non violent torpedo?

Erik:  Well Sweden was a neutral country during WWII, but they weren’t a stupid country.  So they made torpedos, and all sorts of other weapons, that they never really planned to use.  We were just pawns in a huge posturing manuever.  It’s like the virgin that carries a rubber in his wallet.  You’re not using that son, you’re frontin.  So that picture I gave you is an artists rendering of me in the air.

Lupa:  You almost seem solemn when you talk about it.

Erik:  Fuck yeah Alex.  I mean I’m a fuckin torpedo.  I want to be shot, and I want to fuck some shit up.  I feel like the little boy born with a mangled dick so they cut it off and dressed it up like a girl.  But I was born with a dick Alex, and I want to fuck with it!

Lupa:  You seem angry now.

Erik:  Are you fucking stupid?  Of course I’m angry.  These Swedish fucks disenfranchised me.  I should of fucked some Nazis up, but they were too pussy to get involved.  Shit, I would have been fine fucking the allies up to.  I’m a torpedo, that’s how I get down.

Lupa:  Well thanks Erik for taking the time to speak with me.  I hope to shed light on your plight and the rest of the unused weaponry of pussified neutral countries like Sweden.

Erik:  Thanks Alex.  YOU are the man.  In fact, you’re the BOMB.  Get it, you are the BOMB.

Lupa:  I do Erik.  I do.  And you are the torpedo.

The “Born This Way” Defense

Posted in Hollywood, Music, NY/NJ, Society with tags , , , on February 14, 2011 by Lupa

Besides being the current song of choice to kickstart meth fueled gay orgies from the Village to San Fransisco, the new Lady Gaga single Born This Way also has dramatic legal implications.

It could not have been anticipated by even the dregs who live and breathe Lady Gaga, but it seems a new legal defense strategy has been pioneered inspired by Lady Gaga called the Born This Way Defense.

It’s beauty and effectiveness is it’s simplicity.  A defendant at the start of trial invokes the Born This Way defense.  That’s at.  Why does it work?

Have you heard the lyrics?

I’m beautiful in my way
Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

That’s right.  God makes no mistakes.  Lady Gaga said it.  Case dismissed, defendant was Born This Way

The words themselves are a generic pile of shit, but somehow when Lady Gaga sings them they become ultrapowerful and transcendent. 

Clearly not any attempt to pander at her gay base, the cutting edge Lady Gaga is clearly on the right track.  It’s not like her music hasn’t been done before and really is nothing special at all. 

The fact is, she’s just too real.  Living in the gentrified Lower East Side can really change a little monster.  That’s her power.  There are no smoke and mirrors tricks in which you believe her music to be anything new by wearing meat dresses or trash bag panties.  Lady Gaga’s music really is substantially and inherently better than Britney Spears’ music. 

My personal favorite is Alejandro because I think it’s a song about me.  In fact, I happen to know I am that Alejandro.  “Hot like Mexico.”  That’s me.  That’s my name and that’s where I was born.  Call it a wrap.

Does Sexism Explain Why Charlie Sheen Gets A Pass?

Posted in Current Events, Hollywood, Society with tags , , , , , , , on February 10, 2011 by Lupa

In light of all the media coverage surrounding Charlie Sheen and his debaucherous ways, a fair and hard question emerges.  How come Charlie Sheen is largely getting a pass for all of this, but a woman like Lindsay Lohan who is doing basically the same thing gets vilified?  Is sexism involved?  The answer to this lies in the ever elusive context.

It only seems like they are doing the same thing.  That’s like you shooting hoops in the park and saying you do the same thing as Kobe Bryant.  Charlie Sheen is a veteran in the drug game, having sniffed blow and banged hookers before Lindsay’s opportunist parents conceived her.  He’s a 45-year-old grown ass man who came up in Hollywood, if Charlie doesn’t know the game, no one does.  Every time I party and it’s  5 in the morning and I don’t know why I’m up late wasted, I think of Charlie.  Then things become very lucid, and I feel completely at peace.

Next, the only real connection is drug abuse.  Charlie Sheen knows to have a driver, take a cab or walk.  You don’t see Charlie getting DUI’s.  That’s his fiend IQ coming into play.  And chain snatching?  Charlie Sheen is not about to engage in chain snatching.

Simply put, Charlie Sheen gets a pass because we feel sorry for him.  No one was there for him as a Hollywood brat growing up and he got caught up.  He was a fiend when River Phoenix died, but he was just blessed with great stamina. 

It also works both ways though.  He gets a pass because his life is so pimptastic.  Not only can he conspicuously engage in all this behavior, but he gets paid to reenact it on TV’s highest rated comedy.  In fact, he’s the highest paid actor on TV and his career has arguably never been better.  None of this has dented anything Sheen related in the least, in fact it’s probably enhanced it.  It’s called vicarious living, or maybe that’s just me.

Lindsay on the other hand might to show up to Chez Sheen and do indescribably sex acts to pay her mortgage.  It’s getting bad for her.  She’s convincing herself she actually is a lesbo so her girlfriend will throw her an 8 ball every now and then.  She’s working in Hollywood these days about as much as the guy who greenlighted Battlefield Earth.

So let us not compare Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.  Until they both die.  Then we can compare them.  Chi-Chi, get the yayo!

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Is Blacker Than Prince

Posted in Current Events, General, Hollywood, Music, NY/NJ, Race, Society with tags , , , , , , on February 9, 2011 by Lupa

In another exclusive to The Cartel, we have received a just released study that explains the plain old rudeness Prince displayed to Kim Kardashian at his concert at the Garden.

It turns out that, genetically at least, Kim’s ass contains more sub Saharan DNA than Prince.  The reasons are diverse, the study explains.

One, look at Prince.  We don’t even know what he is exactly.  He could quite possibly be the alien that abducted Travis Walton in Fire In The Sky.  Even the scientists couldn’t figure it out. 

Two is that for some strange reason, Kim’s ass retained many black properties descended about a hundred generations ago.  You see, if you go back far enough, everyone has a black relative; it’s just simple math.  If there were only 500 humans on Earth at one point and they were all in Africa, then you have a distant black relative.  

Three, but most critically the scientists noted, is that Kim’s ass has been the recipient of such a staggering amount of sub Saharan DNA by way of beef injection.  They are not sure, but they think that possibly at the time of the mega cum loads, she was also near a microwave.  It’s like the movie the Fly, kind of, but not really.

Told You The Black Eyed Peas Suck

Posted in Current Events, General, Hollywood, Music, Society, Sports with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2011 by Lupa

It seems like the most pervasive observation on this years Super Bowl was not the game itself, it was everyone wondering aloud what The Cartel’s readers were so thoroughly informed of already: the Black Eyed Peas fuckin BLOW!

I know after a tittie, a black tittie at that, got flashed by that good for nothing Timberfake the NFL has to now go with the most banal, spiceless halftime shows, but damn, this halftime show sucked.

For entertainment purposes I watched, with utter disgust, this group try to be interesting.  They just can’t.  They are impotent to cross the interesting threshold even in the least discernible way.  By the time that animated corpse Slash showed up I was ready to barf.  I had to stop.

That’s being a little tough on Slash because he was the most endearing thing about an overratted 80’s band fronted by a huge tool, but still, at this point Slash has to stay with his snakes in the basement.

I mean what the fuck were they wearing?  I wouldn’t even use those clothes as jizz rags.

Funny thing I was Facetiming with my mother when it was on and she said, “Oh it’s the Black Eyed Peas… you don’t like them do you.”

Hell no, Mom knows because she’s a member of the Cartel.

She says, “Alex, what are the other two guys’ names besides Fergie and Will.I.Am?”

“Role players # 1 & 2 aka Fergie and Will.I.Am’s tax write offs aka their laundry folders when the cameras are off.” I say.  She couldn’t have set me up better.  It’s almost like I lived in her body for 9 months a long time ago.

I’m completely struck by the anti BEP sentiment though because someone is buying these albums or downloading their music.  All of a sudden your favorite band stinks it up and you treat them with the same respect Isiah Thomas treats black women?

1,2,3 all together, Black Eyed Peas STIINNNKKKKKKKKKK!

Exclusive: Jake Dumping Taylor Audio

Posted in General, Hollywood with tags , , on January 20, 2011 by Lupa

Normally posting anything about these two I would consider beneath me, but The Cartel is making enough noise that it received exclusive – and independently confirmed – audio of the infamous break up Jake Gylenhaal gave to Taylor Swift over the phone.  For legal reasons I can’t post the audio, but I did transcribe it.  Warning, this is graphic stuff.

(Ring, Ring)

Taylor: Hello?

Jake: YO!  Sup?

Taylor:  Who’s this?

Jake:  Jake BITCH!

Taylor:  Ha ha, very funny Jake!  How come your number shows up as blocked?

Jake:  Cause this is my real phone.  You have the Birdberry number.

Taylor:  Huh?

Jake:  The Birdberry.  I give it to hoes.

Taylor:  I don’t understand.

Jake:  You’re a jumpoff.  A scrap.  A hizzy.  And that’s why I got to toot it and boot it.

Taylor:  W-w-what?  Are you serious?

Jake:  Am I laughing bitch?  Did I say knock, knock?  Fuck is wrong with you?

Taylor:  Whoever this is, I will find out and pursue legal action, ASSHOLE!

Jake:  Why don’t I prove this is me.  Remember New Years around 9 PM.  I hit that so hard it knocked your whole shit out the frame?  Then I left, and put the used up Magnum above your lips like a jimmy hat mustache?

Taylor:  Oh my GOOOOOOOOD!

Jake:  Yeah, I said I had to study lines for a big part, but there were really 5 sluts waiting for me.

Taylor:  I feel sick.  But you said you liked me and you wanted to be with me.  You wrote me love letters?!?!?!

Jake:  Ha ha ha, my game is deep ain’t it?

Taylor:  I’m going to throw up.

Jake:  Don’t be stupid.  What kind of guy asks you to bang his fat, old, hairy, ugly uncle who also happens to be a virgin to prove loyalty?

Taylor:  Wait, your Uncle Ron isn’t a virgin???

Jake:  Ha, you stupid bitch, that’s not my uncle, that’s Ron Jeremy.  He’s been in more hoes than tampons.  I made it happen for him and in return he steers 5 new porn whores a week off the bus from the midwest to me before they are broken in. 


Jake:  No you won’t, no one would believe a retard like you.  In fact, my game is so deep I bet you I could hit again.

Taylor:  Na UH!

Jake:  What if I said all this was part of a role I’m preparing for.  It’s method acting.  I’m playing a scumbag that really did this.  Come on, Taylor, this was all a joke.  Does it sound believable?  I’m practicing.  This is what actors do.

Taylor:  I’m confused.

Jake:  Didn’t you notice I was talking like a black person.  You know I hate black people.  My character is black.  Do you know what Occam’s Razor is?

Taylor: No,  is that your name in the new movie?  Your name is Occam?

Jake:  Exactly.  That’s why I love you bitch.  So I’ll see you later.

Taylor:  I don’t know. 

Jake:  Aight then fuck you then we’re through.  Click.

Taylor:  NO NO, don’t hang up are you still there.

Jake:  (audbile laughing, blunt smoking, background)  ha ha I told you son, hahahaha…..

Like I said, that was definitely graphic.  My whole perception of Jake has changed… for the better.

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