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From The Archives

Posted in From The Archives, Misc. on May 2, 2009 by Lupa

Friday, December 17, 2004 ┬á“AL To Be Named My Space Playboy Of The Year” Current mood: Sarcastic

Bumblefuck, California (A.P.) – In what was seen as more predictable than this morning’s sunrise, AL has been voted MySpace.com’s “Playboy Of The Year.” The award is given to only those individuals who best personify the “don’t love hoes” and “bro’s before hoes” attitudes. A recent example of this occurred earlier this month when AL was in a bar and a drunken ugly slut asked him if he had weed. The response: “yes I do, but not for you, BIATCH.” Five minutes later the same question was posed to him by one of the ugly drunken slut’s hot friends. This time the response was, “take a pull off the fattie between my legs, BIATCH!” Within minutes, the hot slut was wiping her lips off and no weed had been smoked. The award was presented to him at a modest ceremony in Tom’s shitty studio apartment. Tom could be heard begging AL to let them hang out together, at one point stating, “For God sake, I’m almost 30 and I’m a virgin.” Even though Tom did the best he could to conceal the squalor he was living in, crack vials and porno mags with pages stuck together could be visible to Stevie Wonder. AL made a short speech in which he denounced promiscuous, money hungry shrews, while promoting the “don’t hate player, hate the game mantra.” “The power of these wanton hoes is at an all time high,” he said. “It is up to the hardworking, bill paying man to let himself out of his blindness and not let a nice body or fake tits compell you to spend money you don’t have.” In describing a test he devised to figure out if your woman is a high maintenence, dollar chaser he said, “Basically, if she’ll eat at White Castle, she’s a keeper. Either that or she’s in ho stealth mode.” The conecpt of a ho acting covertly was mind boggling to the crowd and thunderous applause was lavished on the man of the night. The evening ended with AL proving that it is possible to smoke an oz. of weed in nine minutes. Then he proceeded to drive cross country back to new york with no sleep, in a car that some ho just realized was missing.

From The Archives

Posted in From The Archives, Misc. on April 9, 2009 by Lupa

Sunday, May 01, 2005 (a very mathematically conducive year)

Why Are Some People So Depressed?

I constantly think about this. America has such an elite standard of living, yet everyone is pissed off. Guys get themselves down because they can’t fuck some fantasy video girl, women get beat themselves up because they can’t find the guy that doesn’t obssess over fucking the fantasy video girl. I have a realatively modest standard of living, yet I can honestly I’m happy. I get pissed a lot, but I’m happy. Maybe this is because I’ve eaten a lot of shit in my life. I have noticed that people who have been through shit tend to have a better perspective on life that those who’ve been coddled. I used to have a friend who was a blue blooded WASP from old Conneticut money. He was the most depressed person I ever met. He literally had a weekly pill jar, a la a typical elderly person in a home. Monday Xanax, Tuesday Lithium… We really felt bad for him. Why is there so much emphasis put on trivial things to make us happy? I’m sure there is someone out there ready to slit their wrists because they don’t have an Ipod and all their friends do. (In all fairness to that particular example, my life changed immeasurably after I got my Ipod.) You ever wished that when you met a person, you could run some sort of diagnostic test on them to see what’s fucked up about them? Sometimes I think people don’t really want to be happy. If they were happy, there would be no ambition in their life; the boat’s already sailed. Maybe people subconsciously purposely create disarray in their life, for the purpose of keeping the purpose in their life. I think that sounds about right….

From The Archives…

Posted in From The Archives, Misc., NY/NJ on March 11, 2009 by Lupa

I’m kinda shot and taking the lazy way out… This is from June 20th 2004. #4 and 13 are no longer correct, however the rest of them seem accurate. I vaguely remember researching all of these.

“Learn About Jersey”

1. New Jersey has the highest population density in the U.S. An average 1,030 people per sq. mi., which is 13 times the national average.

2. New Jersey has the highest percent urban population in the U.S. with about 90% of the people living in an urban area.

3. New Jersey is the only state where all its counties are classified as metropolitan areas

4. North Jersey is the car theft capital of the world, with more cars stolen in Newark then any other city. Even the 2 largest cities, NYC and LA put together.

5. New Jersey has the most dense system of highways and railroads in the U.S

6. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the diner capital of the world.

7. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world with seven major shopping malls in a 25 sq. mile radius.

8. New Jersey is a leading industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation.

9. Passaic river was the site to the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.

10. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the U.S. located in Elizabeth.

11. Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Redman, Das EFX, Naughty by Nature, Sugar Hill Gang, Lords of the Underground, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifa, Shaq, Judy Blume, Arron Burr, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Frank Sinatra, Grover Cleveland, all New Jersey natives.

12. The light bulb, phonograph (record player), motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park laboratory

13. New Jersey is home to the Miss America pageant held in Atlantic City.

14. Atlantic City is where the street names came from for the game monopoly

15. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries.

16. Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world.

17. The first baseball game was played in Hoboken.

18. New Jersey has 108 toxic waste dumps. Which is the most in any one state in the nation.

19. The first Drive-In Movie theatre was opened in Camden

20. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey.

From The Archives

Posted in From The Archives, Misc. on March 10, 2009 by Lupa

I have a goal of posting something new and original everyday, however at the times I don’t feel like it, I’m gonna go through my archives and find something I really like and post that.

The following is called “Myspace Offenders” which was originally posted May 23rd 2004.

1. Hi! I’m Ditsy McBlonde, my website is http://www.DitsyMcBlonde.com… Hear (sic) are my modeling pics! I’m really looking for down to earth people… my interests include money and cars… Why don’t you come and join the other 6,982 guys on my friend’s list and be a pathetic loser like they are…. My tits were a present from my ex boyfriend… What a chump! hee hee ­čÖé I gave him ass once and he gave me a platinum credit line… Like duh, how was I not supposed to go for him…

2. Hey I’m Shirt Less JuiceBag… I’m real cut and obviously work out a lot… But I make sure and crop my face out of all my pics… See all these girls on my friend’s list, yeah all 11,938 of them… I banged all of them, every last one of them… Even the ones that are just guys who stole the pics from somewhere else… Yep, I’m real slick, I’ll tell ya… Here’s a pic of me with me and some girl that I don’t know that was too drunk to realize her picture was being taken with me… Maybe the roffies I pooped in her drink had somethin to do with it…I’m the man!

3. ┬á TooMany Tats here, from Los Angeles…. the best fuckin place on earth, rock on! I believe my body is a canvas, and therefore I’m gonna get every inch of it tatted up… hell yeh! every inch… Then i’m gonna get naked, take pics and post them on my My Space page! ┬áThis has nothing to do with the fact I have no artisitic abilities myself, and lack the proper gifts to illustrate art myself in any meaningful way… I tried drawing once… It didn’t work out… I tried playing guitar, but all I could play was Nirvana songs, badly… besides, i’m a bad ass tough motherfucker, and the tats are my way of being sensitive… I cried when I got them… from the pain AND the beauty… I only admitted that to the ladies that are reading this, and only the ones that have the requisite tat on their lower back for guys to look at when they rock them from behind… SWEET…I’m gonna pawn my Harley to get more ink done… it’s cool, I never knew how to ride it anyway… Right On!

4. ┬áSwinger O’Slut, from the OC… I’m pretty blunt, if you got a problem with that, fuck off… I LOVE cock, not just love, ADORE… Black cock, white cock, eskimo cock, I don’t care as long as it’s no less than 12 inches… Didn’t you guys no anything less than 12 inches is small??? I’m not a whore, i’m just liberated… I like taking on as many guys at once as I can… It took me like a day to do the math when I first started, but realized I could have a cock in each hand, my mouth, my ass and my pussy… God, it feels so good! I love my oversized tits… They feel like kickballs, and I got a siatica from sleeping with them… but they are well worth it… Come on, doesn’t everyone love 36 GGG’s? they also double as punching bags, which is good because my boyfriend Shirt Less JuiceBag has a roid rage problem… So Men, Women, Trannies, Dogs ( As Long As They are hung and got a tongue!) Leave me a message!

Where do these people come from??

5. ┬áThis is DaVe from “DeD SnOt”, the biggest punk band on Earth…. and my space too!!!! by “big” we mean, we can’t play instruments, have IQ’s of 45 and live at home with our parents, who happen to be affluent enough to actually enjoy George W. Bush’s tax cuts… If you thought that by “big” we meant having a record deal and playing shows, you don’t know anything about punk!!! Punk is about being a complete failure in life, dying my hair green and fucking high school girls that think I’m awesome… Showering is optional; actually we prefer not to… I can grow exactly seven hairs on my goatee, and I dye them too…. I’m the singer… Staying in key never occured to me, in fact the only key I’m familiar with is my house key… It’s weird that my voice never deepened when I entered puberty…. bands like Blink 182 and Sum 41, that’s not REAL punk rock… They work for record labels, and that’s just part of corporate america… We hate captalism!!! They must have it soooo good in Cuba and China, they don’t have to deal with these fucking corporations taking over everything… I’d really love for the process of trade to be completely dictated by the same entity which happens to possess things like nuclear weapons and the ability to manufacture currency…. We wouldn’t have to worry about anything!!!! Look I gotta go, my Mom is calling me to dinner… I’d give you a link to DeD sNoT’s website, but Al Gore invented the internet, and we can’t support a corporate whore like Al Gore… hey that rhymes!!! I’ll put that in a song!!! Once I figure out that a chord you play is not the same as a cord that goes in the wall… LaTeR!!!

” i hate those douchebags…. bad things come in twos!!!

Yo this is Poser Wigger… AIGHT!! Straight from the east coast NIGGA… INDIANA in the house!!! Represent…. for some reason when I tell people I’m from the east coast, they think I’m talking about New York, Jersey, Boston, D.C., Philly, you know places one would actually associate with the east coast… and places that actually have a coast… But whatever yo…I know where I’m from, the STREETS nigga, know what I’m sayin…. Peep this chain son… Look at all the ice and shit… It was a Christmas present from my Moms… That wasn’t the only thing I got for Christmas either….but fuck her, bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks ha ha ha…. Everytime I fuck, I do it without a condom and bust inside the bitch… Why do you need a rubber when your girl is made out of latex already??? I clean the crust out of her from time to time, it be nasty sometimes yo…. Eminem is GOD, he inspired me to get in the rap game and shit… I want to be in a movie like “8 Mile”, except it’s called “County Line Road” yo peep this freestyle son, oh hold up, let me spark this blunt first…. “yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, Yo I’m the King, when I do my thing, yeah yeah, umm yo, I eat at Burger King, uhhh sometimes uhhh, in the Spring”…. Yo, wasn’t that HOT, I can rock the mic for hours KID, what you know about that… Yo check these tables out son, I spin betta than anyone… naw, they ain’t Technics… they’re Fisher Price, belt drives… the REAL SHIT…. Check this vinyl out, my mom’s go it for me for Christmas with my chain and shit… “Danny Bonaduce’s Greatest Hits” “Christmas With Kenny G” and my favorite, peep this, ” Donny Osmond & Fred Durst Duets” Yo, Fred and Donny are my BOYS… Yo peep Fred’s vocals on “Puppy Love” …. that’s my boy from the east coast, just like me…. even though he’s from Jacksonville…and if you ain’t down with that shit, you’re a straight bitch…yo get back at me, or I’ll fuck you up, FOR REAL BIATCH….

” What a fuckin retard! If you know these two retards, you know what I’m talkin about…

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