Interview With A Non Violent Torpedo

Charlie Sheen’s My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option tour hits Radio City this weekend and it’s worth noting he could have done better with that title.

I mean, aren’t all torpedos intrinsically violent?  Do they make pacifist Ghandi spewing torpedos?  Isn’t that like saying my sweet lollipop or the wet water?

Some of his crackhead ramblings are kind of interesting from a grammatical standpoint, but this is just loco right?  Not so.

The Cartel was contacted by a WWII torpedo from Sweden named Erik who said I have it all wrong.   He, in fact, is a non violent torpedo, there are others like him and it validates Sheen’s show title.  I had a chance to speak with Erik, someone who speaks fluent English.

Lupa:  Thanks Erik for talking with us.

Erik:  No problem Alex.

Lupa:  So tell us how you came to be a non violent torpedo?

Erik:  Well Sweden was a neutral country during WWII, but they weren’t a stupid country.  So they made torpedos, and all sorts of other weapons, that they never really planned to use.  We were just pawns in a huge posturing manuever.  It’s like the virgin that carries a rubber in his wallet.  You’re not using that son, you’re frontin.  So that picture I gave you is an artists rendering of me in the air.

Lupa:  You almost seem solemn when you talk about it.

Erik:  Fuck yeah Alex.  I mean I’m a fuckin torpedo.  I want to be shot, and I want to fuck some shit up.  I feel like the little boy born with a mangled dick so they cut it off and dressed it up like a girl.  But I was born with a dick Alex, and I want to fuck with it!

Lupa:  You seem angry now.

Erik:  Are you fucking stupid?  Of course I’m angry.  These Swedish fucks disenfranchised me.  I should of fucked some Nazis up, but they were too pussy to get involved.  Shit, I would have been fine fucking the allies up to.  I’m a torpedo, that’s how I get down.

Lupa:  Well thanks Erik for taking the time to speak with me.  I hope to shed light on your plight and the rest of the unused weaponry of pussified neutral countries like Sweden.

Erik:  Thanks Alex.  YOU are the man.  In fact, you’re the BOMB.  Get it, you are the BOMB.

Lupa:  I do Erik.  I do.  And you are the torpedo.

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