Archive for April, 2011

The PR Psychological Exam

Posted in General, Society, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2011 by Lupa

I’ve devised a highly technical and sophisticated new psychological exam that puts Myers-Briggs and Rorschach to shame.  My only criticism of it is that perhaps it is pedantic, but hey I’m just so thorough in everything I do.

It’s called the PR test and it can determine certain characteristics of a person by what they immediately think of when they see the letters PR in succession.

For example if you see PR and think Puerto Rico, you are probably a minority, more specifically Latino.  There’s also a good chance you smoke weed and like porn.  You might also abuse public assistance, but it’s OK because it’s free.  See also Permanent Residency.

If you see Public Relations or Press Release you are probably a white-collar professional or yuppie.  At they very least you aren’t poor and went to college.  You are also likely to think low of people who see PR as Puerto Rico or permanent residency.

If you see PR as prime rib, pot roast or pork roll, well you are obviously fat.  If you aren’t fat then you at least you love to eat and incessantly work out or were blessed with the genes to not gain weight.  More likely though you simply can’t fit in any jeans.

If you see Pattern Recognition or Proportional Representation you probably like Star Trek and haven’t been laid in a while.  In fact, the highly complicated system indicates you may be a virgin. 

If you see Progesterone Receptor or Peripheral Resistance you are probably smarter than any of the other groups, but also humble.  You didn’t think Doogie Howser was far-fetched because they based it on your life.  See pattern-real.

If you see Payroll you work in PR or are a Jew… or both.

If you see Pakistan Railways you are a Muslim or a terrorist, not that there’s a difference.

If you see Punt Returner you are a sausage.

And lastly if you see Pet Rock you are a dumbass.

Interview With A Non Violent Torpedo

Posted in Current Events, Hollywood, NY/NJ, Politics, Society, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 8, 2011 by Lupa

Charlie Sheen’s My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option tour hits Radio City this weekend and it’s worth noting he could have done better with that title.

I mean, aren’t all torpedos intrinsically violent?  Do they make pacifist Ghandi spewing torpedos?  Isn’t that like saying my sweet lollipop or the wet water?

Some of his crackhead ramblings are kind of interesting from a grammatical standpoint, but this is just loco right?  Not so.

The Cartel was contacted by a WWII torpedo from Sweden named Erik who said I have it all wrong.   He, in fact, is a non violent torpedo, there are others like him and it validates Sheen’s show title.  I had a chance to speak with Erik, someone who speaks fluent English.

Lupa:  Thanks Erik for talking with us.

Erik:  No problem Alex.

Lupa:  So tell us how you came to be a non violent torpedo?

Erik:  Well Sweden was a neutral country during WWII, but they weren’t a stupid country.  So they made torpedos, and all sorts of other weapons, that they never really planned to use.  We were just pawns in a huge posturing manuever.  It’s like the virgin that carries a rubber in his wallet.  You’re not using that son, you’re frontin.  So that picture I gave you is an artists rendering of me in the air.

Lupa:  You almost seem solemn when you talk about it.

Erik:  Fuck yeah Alex.  I mean I’m a fuckin torpedo.  I want to be shot, and I want to fuck some shit up.  I feel like the little boy born with a mangled dick so they cut it off and dressed it up like a girl.  But I was born with a dick Alex, and I want to fuck with it!

Lupa:  You seem angry now.

Erik:  Are you fucking stupid?  Of course I’m angry.  These Swedish fucks disenfranchised me.  I should of fucked some Nazis up, but they were too pussy to get involved.  Shit, I would have been fine fucking the allies up to.  I’m a torpedo, that’s how I get down.

Lupa:  Well thanks Erik for taking the time to speak with me.  I hope to shed light on your plight and the rest of the unused weaponry of pussified neutral countries like Sweden.

Erik:  Thanks Alex.  YOU are the man.  In fact, you’re the BOMB.  Get it, you are the BOMB.

Lupa:  I do Erik.  I do.  And you are the torpedo.

A Bunch Of Dopes

Posted in Drugs, General, Politics, Society with tags , , , on April 6, 2011 by Lupa

The true believers in a movement have to be ready, willing and able to criticize what they perceive as fatal flaws which will perpetually lead it to failure.

The movement I refer to which I believe in is the marijuana legalization movement.  As righteous of a cause I believe it is, I think it’s being severely mismanaged by those who purport to have its best interests at hand.  The reason is that because the most visible people at the forefront of the movement are nothing short of addicts and fiends.

Attend a mass rally for the legalization of marijuana and inevitably people begin to smoke.  It certainly illustrates your fervor for pot to the average nonuser whose opinions you are trying to influence, but it also establishes that you can’t control yourself from smoking.  It’s not civil disobedience, it’s smoking pot in public.  Even if it were legal we would limit that to designated areas because that, hippie potheads, is how law and order works.  Limits are placed on things because humans inevitably exploit every little freedom to a detrimental extent.  Freedom of speech turns into “fire” in a crowded theater.  Eventually there is always an asshole that fucks things up for everyone else, and that buffoonery consistently spreads and infiltrates the weak-minded.

The problem with the movement is that the most typical of users are not a part of it, and that is the casual user.  A smoker who takes a hit or two when they come home from work and on the weekend out of your regular smoking device.  Not people who smoke before, during and after every activity.  Not people who spend copious amounts of money on their habits and accessories and clothing which says nothing more to the nonuser than “this thing has control over me.”    For efficacy, we need more people with regular haircuts, showers and attire to speak to the masses than esoteric individuals who live in a way that is simply not indicative of people by and large.  Does that have unfortunate implications, sure, but such is life.  You really can’t win at anything with a complete disregard for its consitution.  And this is war – savage, unforgiving and unreletning.

Another fatal flaw of the legalization movement is in its troubled marriage to a completely different movement, the medical marijuana movement.  It may be tough “medicine” for the some of the same fiends who run the medical marijuana movement, but using something for well-being doesn’t make it medicine, it makes it recreation.  Some people use porn for well-being in their lives, that doesn’t make it medicine.  Positively there are many uses for marijuana as legitimate medicine, but how many people in California or Colorado with medical cards 1. have a legitimate medical condition which marijuana alleviates and 2. strictly use marijuana to alleviate that condition?  Saying, “well I’m not in pain right now, but I’m bored” and then smoking is prescription drug abuse.  Boredom or lack of stimulus in your life is not a medical condition.

The most overlooked misstep of the movement I believe is its constant comparisons with alcohol.  That defense gets tired quick.  Why?  Because alcohol is not the problem, the abuse of alcohol is, and to purport that abuse of marijuana does not negatively impact lives (albeit to a smaller extent) is absurd.   Somehow a marijuana fiend is able to pass judgement on a mature user of alcohol, a person where alcohol never crosses a negative threshold in their lives, but can not take the equal look at themselves?  In fact, the majority of alcohol users never drink and drive, do not binge drink and only drink at appropriate times.  That’s a fact.  Saying well, look at all the drunks in this world, why can’t I smoke weed everyday all day is not exactly cogent.

As critical as I’m being of those who run this thing, I do believe the cause has merit.  The most poignant reason however is that we are processing people through an already overcrowded justice system for smoking a naturally occurring plant, causing ruin to no one.  Distributers on a mass scale, that’s a different story.  That goes beyond smoking pot.  That is engaging in an enterprise with potential harm to those not involved.  Income without taxation.  Possible use of violence.

I used to be a fan of Marc Emery on Facebook because I think ultimately he’s a victim.  The reason I stopped following him was that he would make posts that said “residents of this state, vote for so and so because he/she supports legalization.”  I commented that why would you vote for someone solely based on their stance on one, arguably minor, issue?  His account commented that if you support legalization, you have the right values and as such everything else would be good.  I promptly “unliked.”  If this is a guy who is at the forefront of this movement, I’m sorry, the “movement” will only be a static, figurative one.  We are all not the same, and it was mind-boggling to me that someone with actual influence would be so reckless and downright moronic.

At the end of the day, no one is compelled to smoke pot recreationally, so that intrinsic value puts it below other causes like abortion for example.  If you got raped, then got pregnant, and someone offered you an abortion or a joint, I think you’d take the abortion, even if it was a blunt coat hanger (no pun intended on the word blunt, pothead).  Likewise the loss of freedoms in the U.S. and around the world pertaining to simple quality of life and impairment of happiness clearly take precedent.  Ethnic prejudice, government impediment and general lack of freedoms are substantive priorities to the right to smoke up.

Then again believing that partaking in a recreational altering of consciousness has prominence over everything in this world is a hallmark of addiction.  And ultimately that’s what a lof of people who advocate marijuana legalization are.

Boomer & Carton SUCK!

Posted in NY/NJ, Radio, Sports with tags , , , on April 6, 2011 by Lupa

For the life of me I don’t understand what people see in the Boomer & Carton show on WFAN.

First you have Boomer Esiason who is about as funny, witty and exciting as an empty can of Pringle’s.  Then you throw in his egregious smugness and I literally want to end his life with my bare hands, strangling him until his eyes pop out of his head like a jack in the box.  Added to which the guy never won shit, come on, can’t we get a winner?  He is to radio what the rainbow “broadcast is lost” picture is to TV.

Then you have Carton who, like every jock since, went to the Howard Stern school of broadcasting and got a D.  Note to Craig: not everything you say is funny, in fact, hardly anything of it is, but you certainly believe it to be true.  Kind of sucks for Craig that he does all the work but is still second fiddle to Boomer All In That Azz.  Watching on TV is even more insufferable, the way you see him constantly grab the mic as if to say, “let’s get intimate here, I’m one of you guys.”  Why do people in entertainment think every bald guy is the “everyman” relatable type?  Not to mention he has a voice made for braille. 

At least Craig seems likeable in real life, and in fact I’ve heard he is a really nice guy.  So Craig, The Cartel gives your shiny head having, “all right” saying in the really Guido way a pass.  Live it up, the Cartel doesn’t issue many passes.

Boomer, sorry motherfucker, we’re coming for you.  Because you suck on the radio and you owe us money!

Viva La Cartel!

Happy Courtney Love Day!

Posted in Music with tags , , , , on April 5, 2011 by Lupa

17 years ago today Courtney Love got away with murder, though in retrospect it really isn’t that hard to pin suicide on someone so whiny. 

For those of you who believe in heaven, Kurt is there shooting junk, smoking cigarettes, never taking showers and complaining about something.

I personally think his best work was ahead of him, but we’ll never know, and this is why today is Courtney Love Day.

Gay DJ Just Play This Song…

Posted in Music, NY/NJ, Society with tags , , , , on April 5, 2011 by Lupa

 

So apparently the rumor of Mr. Cee doing a Vito Spatafore is true.

http://www.sohh.com/2011/04/hot_97s_mister_cee_gay_sex_arrest_confir.html

Makes you wonder what Biggie REALLY had to do to get his demo heard. 

New nicknames for Mr. Cee?

Mr Ceemen, Mr Cock (obviously, derrrr), Mr (Boy) Copulation, Mr. Cum, Mr. Cee Me Naked Nigga… 

Could this be anymore precious though.  In the Village?  I mean, that’s like hanging out at the precinct to avoid being labeled a snitch.

Maybe this will embolden Kanye to come out of the closest because I don’t believe for a second his fruity ass has never had his back blown out.

Still Think College Basketball Than The NBA?

Posted in Sports with tags , , , on April 5, 2011 by Lupa

It’s halftime in the NCAA Final and Charles Barkley just said this game is so ugly it reminds of the girls he used to get before he got rich and famous.

DAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEEEE!

Just let that marinate for a second…  The ugliest girls Alabama has to offer… 30 years ago.  Picture that.  Blood type chicken grease hos with chitlin chewing gum.  

Some literal criticism would be Greg Anthony saying it is the worst NCAA Final he has ever seen.  So the question remains, why is there anyone that hangs on to the naive notion that somehow, in any way, college basketball is a better product, experience or execution of fundamentals than the NBA?

If you believe it is I’d like you to go get your medical treatment from an amateur instead of a professional.  Or fly on vacation by the airline which employs the nation’s best amateur pilots.  Better yet, call the amateur cops when there’s a crime you witness.

In 20 minutes of play two teams combines for about 40 points.  Do you really think we would ever see a game 7 of an NBA final play that long and score that little?

College basketball is probably the worst it’s ever been, and of course it is the talent which never sees a frat in their life (bless them for that)  which is the cause.

So I leave you college fans to watch your inferior product which you pump up because these kids don’t get paid. 

But they’re trying SOOOOO hard!

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