Archive for February, 2011

The “Born This Way” Defense

Posted in Hollywood, Music, NY/NJ, Society with tags , , , on February 14, 2011 by Lupa

Besides being the current song of choice to kickstart meth fueled gay orgies from the Village to San Fransisco, the new Lady Gaga single Born This Way also has dramatic legal implications.

It could not have been anticipated by even the dregs who live and breathe Lady Gaga, but it seems a new legal defense strategy has been pioneered inspired by Lady Gaga called the Born This Way Defense.

It’s beauty and effectiveness is it’s simplicity.  A defendant at the start of trial invokes the Born This Way defense.  That’s at.  Why does it work?

Have you heard the lyrics?

I’m beautiful in my way
Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

That’s right.  God makes no mistakes.  Lady Gaga said it.  Case dismissed, defendant was Born This Way

The words themselves are a generic pile of shit, but somehow when Lady Gaga sings them they become ultrapowerful and transcendent. 

Clearly not any attempt to pander at her gay base, the cutting edge Lady Gaga is clearly on the right track.  It’s not like her music hasn’t been done before and really is nothing special at all. 

The fact is, she’s just too real.  Living in the gentrified Lower East Side can really change a little monster.  That’s her power.  There are no smoke and mirrors tricks in which you believe her music to be anything new by wearing meat dresses or trash bag panties.  Lady Gaga’s music really is substantially and inherently better than Britney Spears’ music. 

My personal favorite is Alejandro because I think it’s a song about me.  In fact, I happen to know I am that Alejandro.  “Hot like Mexico.”  That’s me.  That’s my name and that’s where I was born.  Call it a wrap.

Mr. Met Seriously Hurt After Sheen Mistakes Him For Yayo

Posted in Current Events, General, NY/NJ, Society, Sports with tags , , on February 10, 2011 by Lupa

Right after my story on Charlie went to print, The Cartel received some disturbing Sheen related news.

It seems that in a cocaine and booze induced psychosis, Charlie sliced Mr. Met’s head with a razor blade thinking his head was a big rock of blow.

The story goes that Mr. Met was in LA for an anthropomorphic baseball mascot convention when he encountered Charlie walking down the Sunset Strip.  Mr. Met attempted to get Charlie’s autograph when all hell broke loose.  Charlie, fresh out of his rehab, had apparently fallen off the wagon and mistook Mr. Met for fresh product from the heartland of Bolivia.

When I have more on this, you’ll get it.  Let’s pray for Mr. Met.  He needs a blood transfusion, but like Prince, we’re still trying to figure what exactly Mr. Met is.  His license lists an address in Corona, Queens, hopefully his family can shed some light on this.  I hope Lady Met and the little Met children have the strength to get through this tragedy.

Does Sexism Explain Why Charlie Sheen Gets A Pass?

Posted in Current Events, Hollywood, Society with tags , , , , , , , on February 10, 2011 by Lupa

In light of all the media coverage surrounding Charlie Sheen and his debaucherous ways, a fair and hard question emerges.  How come Charlie Sheen is largely getting a pass for all of this, but a woman like Lindsay Lohan who is doing basically the same thing gets vilified?  Is sexism involved?  The answer to this lies in the ever elusive context.

It only seems like they are doing the same thing.  That’s like you shooting hoops in the park and saying you do the same thing as Kobe Bryant.  Charlie Sheen is a veteran in the drug game, having sniffed blow and banged hookers before Lindsay’s opportunist parents conceived her.  He’s a 45-year-old grown ass man who came up in Hollywood, if Charlie doesn’t know the game, no one does.  Every time I party and it’s  5 in the morning and I don’t know why I’m up late wasted, I think of Charlie.  Then things become very lucid, and I feel completely at peace.

Next, the only real connection is drug abuse.  Charlie Sheen knows to have a driver, take a cab or walk.  You don’t see Charlie getting DUI’s.  That’s his fiend IQ coming into play.  And chain snatching?  Charlie Sheen is not about to engage in chain snatching.

Simply put, Charlie Sheen gets a pass because we feel sorry for him.  No one was there for him as a Hollywood brat growing up and he got caught up.  He was a fiend when River Phoenix died, but he was just blessed with great stamina. 

It also works both ways though.  He gets a pass because his life is so pimptastic.  Not only can he conspicuously engage in all this behavior, but he gets paid to reenact it on TV’s highest rated comedy.  In fact, he’s the highest paid actor on TV and his career has arguably never been better.  None of this has dented anything Sheen related in the least, in fact it’s probably enhanced it.  It’s called vicarious living, or maybe that’s just me.

Lindsay on the other hand might to show up to Chez Sheen and do indescribably sex acts to pay her mortgage.  It’s getting bad for her.  She’s convincing herself she actually is a lesbo so her girlfriend will throw her an 8 ball every now and then.  She’s working in Hollywood these days about as much as the guy who greenlighted Battlefield Earth.

So let us not compare Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.  Until they both die.  Then we can compare them.  Chi-Chi, get the yayo!

Kim Kardashian’s Ass Is Blacker Than Prince

Posted in Current Events, General, Hollywood, Music, NY/NJ, Race, Society with tags , , , , , , on February 9, 2011 by Lupa

In another exclusive to The Cartel, we have received a just released study that explains the plain old rudeness Prince displayed to Kim Kardashian at his concert at the Garden.

It turns out that, genetically at least, Kim’s ass contains more sub Saharan DNA than Prince.  The reasons are diverse, the study explains.

One, look at Prince.  We don’t even know what he is exactly.  He could quite possibly be the alien that abducted Travis Walton in Fire In The Sky.  Even the scientists couldn’t figure it out. 

Two is that for some strange reason, Kim’s ass retained many black properties descended about a hundred generations ago.  You see, if you go back far enough, everyone has a black relative; it’s just simple math.  If there were only 500 humans on Earth at one point and they were all in Africa, then you have a distant black relative.  

Three, but most critically the scientists noted, is that Kim’s ass has been the recipient of such a staggering amount of sub Saharan DNA by way of beef injection.  They are not sure, but they think that possibly at the time of the mega cum loads, she was also near a microwave.  It’s like the movie the Fly, kind of, but not really.

When Will Eminem Stop Being a Wigger?

Posted in Music, Race, Society with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2011 by Lupa

What do you call an almost 40-year-old white man from nowhere Michigan who believes he is a 20 something year old black male from Detroit?  Eminem!

It’s a legitimate observation.  For one, Eminem is not from Detroit, he’s  from a suburb of Detroit.  I’m not trying to say he’s like a Kid Rock and actually from a well to do background in addition to fronting like he’s from Detroit, but there’s a difference between white trailer trash bumblefuck Michigan, and well Detroit.  It’s like how Michael Moore says he’s from Flint, but he’s from Davidson, a Flint suburb.  That’s like telling people you are from the Bronx when you are from Westchester.  They are adjacent to each other but it’s not the same thing.  The Upper East Side is adjacent to Spanish Harlem, but 86 and Lex isn’t 110 and Lex.  What people will purport just to get a rep…

You would think Eminem was a real life version of Steve Martin’s character from The Jerk.  Like, surely he must have been raised by black people to speak with black vernacular, accent and diction?  But no, he’s just your regular Michigan cracker. 

I don’t want to put him down per se because he is talented, though I haven’t been able to listen to his music with any consistency for years.  It’s just he gets a pass for all his fronting because of that, and it’s kind of absurd.  

Look at former wigger Marky Mark AKA Mark Wahlberg.  He fronted when he was young, but then he grew up.  Doesn’t speak like he used to when he was with the Funny Bunch.  Same with Vanilla Ice.  But no, Eminem had to gain unprecedented acceptance in a black arena which somehow convinced him he actually is black.  Then again you didn’t see Larry Bird do the same shit. 

While I’m clowning Eminem a little, can someone tell me why he’s always sulking?  Him and Jay Cutler perpetually look like babies who didn’t get their nap.  Can we burp Eminem and Jay Cutler please?  Maybe get them a pacifier.

 What makes white people want to be not white to begin with?  Being white has a lot more advantages than being not white.  He’s not even ethnic, he’s Mayflower shit, Anglo-Saxon shit.  Revoke this man’s pass.

Told You The Black Eyed Peas Suck

Posted in Current Events, General, Hollywood, Music, Society, Sports with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2011 by Lupa

It seems like the most pervasive observation on this years Super Bowl was not the game itself, it was everyone wondering aloud what The Cartel’s readers were so thoroughly informed of already: the Black Eyed Peas fuckin BLOW!

I know after a tittie, a black tittie at that, got flashed by that good for nothing Timberfake the NFL has to now go with the most banal, spiceless halftime shows, but damn, this halftime show sucked.

For entertainment purposes I watched, with utter disgust, this group try to be interesting.  They just can’t.  They are impotent to cross the interesting threshold even in the least discernible way.  By the time that animated corpse Slash showed up I was ready to barf.  I had to stop.

That’s being a little tough on Slash because he was the most endearing thing about an overratted 80’s band fronted by a huge tool, but still, at this point Slash has to stay with his snakes in the basement.

I mean what the fuck were they wearing?  I wouldn’t even use those clothes as jizz rags.

Funny thing I was Facetiming with my mother when it was on and she said, “Oh it’s the Black Eyed Peas… you don’t like them do you.”

Hell no, Mom knows because she’s a member of the Cartel.

She says, “Alex, what are the other two guys’ names besides Fergie and Will.I.Am?”

“Role players # 1 & 2 aka Fergie and Will.I.Am’s tax write offs aka their laundry folders when the cameras are off.” I say.  She couldn’t have set me up better.  It’s almost like I lived in her body for 9 months a long time ago.

I’m completely struck by the anti BEP sentiment though because someone is buying these albums or downloading their music.  All of a sudden your favorite band stinks it up and you treat them with the same respect Isiah Thomas treats black women?

1,2,3 all together, Black Eyed Peas STIINNNKKKKKKKKKK!

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