The Mysteries of Hip Hop

I love hip hop, it’s not my favorite music, but that’s only because music for me is like food, sometimes you want BBQ, other times Mexican, sometimes Italian.

One of the reasons I love hip hop is because of the competitive aspect of it.  There simply is no other music which encapsulates such aggression against its other creators.  Blues musicians want to one up one another and play their solos lick by lick in impromptu battles, but there wasn’t any beef because of it.  B.B. King never said to Buddy Guy “fuck you then nigga I’ll see you outside BEOTCH!”  Another reason is how a DJ’s dexterity can create new works of art on the fly or how anyone can record their own verse on any beat, going anywhere they want with it.  I could really go on and on.

With that said, I am writing to ponder to two of the biggest hip hop mysteries of all time.

The first is, how come in 25 years of rapping, the Beastie Boys never got any better at it?  I’m not trying to diss them because I think they are hot.  Name me any other hip hop group where all the members rap AND play instruments.  No, no they are definitely hot.  The thing is, lyrically, they kind of suck.

They didn’t always suck, but the standards came up.  What was hot from say 85-92 isn’t hot anymore, but they still rap like that.  Can I get a polysyllabic rhyme Mike D?  How about the king Ad Rock?  MCA?  Yes from the Hudson River to the Nile, I heard it all three times.  One song, any song, off of Illmatic bodies the collective rhyme contributions of all the Beastie Boys.

I wish I could say that it was just a lyrical thing, but their flow needs to be updated too.  It’s like they’ve been in a coma for all their records and only get out of it to record.

The next mystery of hip hop is how come there has never been ONE hot British rapper EVER?  I don’t want to hear your obscure esoteric pics, I’m talking an official British rapper that people would bump in NY on a mass scale.  There just isn’t one and it’s very peculiar.

In the 60’s the British proved the overall adeptness, even mastery, at “borrowing” black American music.  Fuck that, the Beatles, The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton, the Kinks… all BITERS.  What gave them the NERVE to so brazenly rip our shit off like that?

See the difference between that and this is 1. racism and 2. hip hop is hip hop.  1.is self explanatory; they wanted black music, they just didn’t want black PEOPLE.  And point 2, well when you listen to a guy sing or play guitar you may think, well that could be an American black person doing that.  Not with rap.  That British accent sounds stiff.  It’s just no good.  In fact, possibly the only hot British jam of anykind might be Mark Morrison’s “Return of The Mack”  I don’t even want to hear a snippet of “well Slick Rick was born in England…”  He’s from the BRONX!

More mysteries of Hip Hop revealed on the next edition of… The Lupa Cartel!

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