Exclusive: Jake Dumping Taylor Audio

Normally posting anything about these two I would consider beneath me, but The Cartel is making enough noise that it received exclusive – and independently confirmed – audio of the infamous break up Jake Gylenhaal gave to Taylor Swift over the phone.  For legal reasons I can’t post the audio, but I did transcribe it.  Warning, this is graphic stuff.

(Ring, Ring)

Taylor: Hello?

Jake: YO!  Sup?

Taylor:  Who’s this?

Jake:  Jake BITCH!

Taylor:  Ha ha, very funny Jake!  How come your number shows up as blocked?

Jake:  Cause this is my real phone.  You have the Birdberry number.

Taylor:  Huh?

Jake:  The Birdberry.  I give it to hoes.

Taylor:  I don’t understand.

Jake:  You’re a jumpoff.  A scrap.  A hizzy.  And that’s why I got to toot it and boot it.

Taylor:  W-w-what?  Are you serious?

Jake:  Am I laughing bitch?  Did I say knock, knock?  Fuck is wrong with you?

Taylor:  Whoever this is, I will find out and pursue legal action, ASSHOLE!

Jake:  Why don’t I prove this is me.  Remember New Years around 9 PM.  I hit that so hard it knocked your whole shit out the frame?  Then I left, and put the used up Magnum above your lips like a jimmy hat mustache?

Taylor:  Oh my GOOOOOOOOD!

Jake:  Yeah, I said I had to study lines for a big part, but there were really 5 sluts waiting for me.

Taylor:  I feel sick.  But you said you liked me and you wanted to be with me.  You wrote me love letters?!?!?!

Jake:  Ha ha ha, my game is deep ain’t it?

Taylor:  I’m going to throw up.

Jake:  Don’t be stupid.  What kind of guy asks you to bang his fat, old, hairy, ugly uncle who also happens to be a virgin to prove loyalty?

Taylor:  Wait, your Uncle Ron isn’t a virgin???

Jake:  Ha, you stupid bitch, that’s not my uncle, that’s Ron Jeremy.  He’s been in more hoes than tampons.  I made it happen for him and in return he steers 5 new porn whores a week off the bus from the midwest to me before they are broken in. 


Jake:  No you won’t, no one would believe a retard like you.  In fact, my game is so deep I bet you I could hit again.

Taylor:  Na UH!

Jake:  What if I said all this was part of a role I’m preparing for.  It’s method acting.  I’m playing a scumbag that really did this.  Come on, Taylor, this was all a joke.  Does it sound believable?  I’m practicing.  This is what actors do.

Taylor:  I’m confused.

Jake:  Didn’t you notice I was talking like a black person.  You know I hate black people.  My character is black.  Do you know what Occam’s Razor is?

Taylor: No,  is that your name in the new movie?  Your name is Occam?

Jake:  Exactly.  That’s why I love you bitch.  So I’ll see you later.

Taylor:  I don’t know. 

Jake:  Aight then fuck you then we’re through.  Click.

Taylor:  NO NO, don’t hang up are you still there.

Jake:  (audbile laughing, blunt smoking, background)  ha ha I told you son, hahahaha…..

Like I said, that was definitely graphic.  My whole perception of Jake has changed… for the better.

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