Secular Christmas

Christmas is a great holiday, probably tied with Thanksgiving for me at #2 (new Years Eve is #1)

Now, I never celebrated Christmas growing up.  It’s not because we were really poor or hated Jesus, it’s because we celebrated Hanukkah, the festival of lights (and not much else)

Not to knock any religion, but Hanukkah kind of sucks compared to Christmas at least when you are a kid.  Say a prayer, light a candle, spin a top and eat some fried potato, wow really awesome.   There was no man in a red suit to leave cookies for, no waiting all night to open presents, there was just the aforementioned.

One of the selling points for Hanukkah someone told me as a kid was that it’s better than Christmas because it lasts 8 nights.  That’s kind of like sleeping with 6 women who are 1’s and 2 who are 2’s; you’d rather just sleep with one who is a perfect 10. 

At least I got to celebrate Hanukkah though.  I can imagine what it was like celebrating Kwanza.  Here’s our great holiday which people only know so they can check it off their “cultural sensitivity list.”  Muslims don’t even get a December holiday to compete with Christmas and their marquee holiday Ramadan you have to fast for.  Who the fuck wants to fast on a holiday?  On Christmas you eat and get drunk.  Yes Christmas is good.

And Fesitvus, please.  Seinfeld already was starting to suck when they showed that episode and yes I said suck.  Seinfeld is not this great thing that is beyond criticism.  Ironically, Seinfeld was the worst thing about Seinfeld.  Talk about being overrated, Jerry Seinfeld is kind of funny, but then again kind of annoying too.   And damn I can see Jerry pulling chicks like he got because he was a moderately successful stand up comic in New York City but George?  George was getting laid all the time, and he was a short, fat, bald, unemployed neurotic who lived with his parents.  It’s not like he was pulling dimes, but damn, he bagged some stuff clearly out of his league.

Only thing about me celebrating Christmas is that it is at odds with my Agnostic beliefs.  The reason I’m not Athiest is because shit, I have a big head, but I’m not going to venture so far as to say there is no God at all.  Being Agnostic is casting an abstention in the voting for God election.

Believing in God, especially a Judeo-Christian religion, I think is absurd, but then again I’m not going to argue with billions of people who have thought otherwise for thousands of years.  If you want to believe in the man in the sky or believe in nothing, I really don’t care.

So what’s a Jewish boy who grows up into a secular man supposed to do at Christmas?

The thing is, it’s not my fault I have a desire to celebrate Christmas in some way.  For one, all the holiday movies when you are kid are about Christmas and you get forced to watch them.  Then on top of that, some of them are actually really good.  Plus, I always had school off for Christmas, but they never accommodated any other winter holiday.  Maybe if there was a hard and fast day off for Kwanza I’d have a soft spot for it.

Then in an ultra ironic twist both of my parents married gentiles after they got divorced and somehow I was finally let into Club Christmas and it was good, yes it was good.  I was on the inside.  No more watching Rudolph and not understanding.  I had Santa and Jesus on speed dial.

The thing is, Christmas itself isn’t really anything special.  It’s basically celebrating Thanksgiving but with a red and green theme.  It’s the atmosphere Christmas creates with everyone.  Kind of like how New Year’s Eve is just like a regular Saturday night except it lasts longer and it is entirely easier to get laid.  It’s those little things which add weight.

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