From The Archives

Friday, December 17, 2004  “AL To Be Named My Space Playboy Of The Year” Current mood: Sarcastic

Bumblefuck, California (A.P.) – In what was seen as more predictable than this morning’s sunrise, AL has been voted MySpace.com’s “Playboy Of The Year.” The award is given to only those individuals who best personify the “don’t love hoes” and “bro’s before hoes” attitudes. A recent example of this occurred earlier this month when AL was in a bar and a drunken ugly slut asked him if he had weed. The response: “yes I do, but not for you, BIATCH.” Five minutes later the same question was posed to him by one of the ugly drunken slut’s hot friends. This time the response was, “take a pull off the fattie between my legs, BIATCH!” Within minutes, the hot slut was wiping her lips off and no weed had been smoked. The award was presented to him at a modest ceremony in Tom’s shitty studio apartment. Tom could be heard begging AL to let them hang out together, at one point stating, “For God sake, I’m almost 30 and I’m a virgin.” Even though Tom did the best he could to conceal the squalor he was living in, crack vials and porno mags with pages stuck together could be visible to Stevie Wonder. AL made a short speech in which he denounced promiscuous, money hungry shrews, while promoting the “don’t hate player, hate the game mantra.” “The power of these wanton hoes is at an all time high,” he said. “It is up to the hardworking, bill paying man to let himself out of his blindness and not let a nice body or fake tits compell you to spend money you don’t have.” In describing a test he devised to figure out if your woman is a high maintenence, dollar chaser he said, “Basically, if she’ll eat at White Castle, she’s a keeper. Either that or she’s in ho stealth mode.” The conecpt of a ho acting covertly was mind boggling to the crowd and thunderous applause was lavished on the man of the night. The evening ended with AL proving that it is possible to smoke an oz. of weed in nine minutes. Then he proceeded to drive cross country back to new york with no sleep, in a car that some ho just realized was missing.

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