From The Archives

I have a goal of posting something new and original everyday, however at the times I don’t feel like it, I’m gonna go through my archives and find something I really like and post that.

The following is called “Myspace Offenders” which was originally posted May 23rd 2004.

1. Hi! I’m Ditsy McBlonde, my website is http://www.DitsyMcBlonde.com… Hear (sic) are my modeling pics! I’m really looking for down to earth people… my interests include money and cars… Why don’t you come and join the other 6,982 guys on my friend’s list and be a pathetic loser like they are…. My tits were a present from my ex boyfriend… What a chump! hee hee 🙂 I gave him ass once and he gave me a platinum credit line… Like duh, how was I not supposed to go for him…

2. Hey I’m Shirt Less JuiceBag… I’m real cut and obviously work out a lot… But I make sure and crop my face out of all my pics… See all these girls on my friend’s list, yeah all 11,938 of them… I banged all of them, every last one of them… Even the ones that are just guys who stole the pics from somewhere else… Yep, I’m real slick, I’ll tell ya… Here’s a pic of me with me and some girl that I don’t know that was too drunk to realize her picture was being taken with me… Maybe the roffies I pooped in her drink had somethin to do with it…I’m the man!

3.   TooMany Tats here, from Los Angeles…. the best fuckin place on earth, rock on! I believe my body is a canvas, and therefore I’m gonna get every inch of it tatted up… hell yeh! every inch… Then i’m gonna get naked, take pics and post them on my My Space page!  This has nothing to do with the fact I have no artisitic abilities myself, and lack the proper gifts to illustrate art myself in any meaningful way… I tried drawing once… It didn’t work out… I tried playing guitar, but all I could play was Nirvana songs, badly… besides, i’m a bad ass tough motherfucker, and the tats are my way of being sensitive… I cried when I got them… from the pain AND the beauty… I only admitted that to the ladies that are reading this, and only the ones that have the requisite tat on their lower back for guys to look at when they rock them from behind… SWEET…I’m gonna pawn my Harley to get more ink done… it’s cool, I never knew how to ride it anyway… Right On!

4.  Swinger O’Slut, from the OC… I’m pretty blunt, if you got a problem with that, fuck off… I LOVE cock, not just love, ADORE… Black cock, white cock, eskimo cock, I don’t care as long as it’s no less than 12 inches… Didn’t you guys no anything less than 12 inches is small??? I’m not a whore, i’m just liberated… I like taking on as many guys at once as I can… It took me like a day to do the math when I first started, but realized I could have a cock in each hand, my mouth, my ass and my pussy… God, it feels so good! I love my oversized tits… They feel like kickballs, and I got a siatica from sleeping with them… but they are well worth it… Come on, doesn’t everyone love 36 GGG’s? they also double as punching bags, which is good because my boyfriend Shirt Less JuiceBag has a roid rage problem… So Men, Women, Trannies, Dogs ( As Long As They are hung and got a tongue!) Leave me a message!

Where do these people come from??

5.  This is DaVe from “DeD SnOt”, the biggest punk band on Earth…. and my space too!!!! by “big” we mean, we can’t play instruments, have IQ’s of 45 and live at home with our parents, who happen to be affluent enough to actually enjoy George W. Bush’s tax cuts… If you thought that by “big” we meant having a record deal and playing shows, you don’t know anything about punk!!! Punk is about being a complete failure in life, dying my hair green and fucking high school girls that think I’m awesome… Showering is optional; actually we prefer not to… I can grow exactly seven hairs on my goatee, and I dye them too…. I’m the singer… Staying in key never occured to me, in fact the only key I’m familiar with is my house key… It’s weird that my voice never deepened when I entered puberty…. bands like Blink 182 and Sum 41, that’s not REAL punk rock… They work for record labels, and that’s just part of corporate america… We hate captalism!!! They must have it soooo good in Cuba and China, they don’t have to deal with these fucking corporations taking over everything… I’d really love for the process of trade to be completely dictated by the same entity which happens to possess things like nuclear weapons and the ability to manufacture currency…. We wouldn’t have to worry about anything!!!! Look I gotta go, my Mom is calling me to dinner… I’d give you a link to DeD sNoT’s website, but Al Gore invented the internet, and we can’t support a corporate whore like Al Gore… hey that rhymes!!! I’ll put that in a song!!! Once I figure out that a chord you play is not the same as a cord that goes in the wall… LaTeR!!!

” i hate those douchebags…. bad things come in twos!!!

Yo this is Poser Wigger… AIGHT!! Straight from the east coast NIGGA… INDIANA in the house!!! Represent…. for some reason when I tell people I’m from the east coast, they think I’m talking about New York, Jersey, Boston, D.C., Philly, you know places one would actually associate with the east coast… and places that actually have a coast… But whatever yo…I know where I’m from, the STREETS nigga, know what I’m sayin…. Peep this chain son… Look at all the ice and shit… It was a Christmas present from my Moms… That wasn’t the only thing I got for Christmas either….but fuck her, bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks ha ha ha…. Everytime I fuck, I do it without a condom and bust inside the bitch… Why do you need a rubber when your girl is made out of latex already??? I clean the crust out of her from time to time, it be nasty sometimes yo…. Eminem is GOD, he inspired me to get in the rap game and shit… I want to be in a movie like “8 Mile”, except it’s called “County Line Road” yo peep this freestyle son, oh hold up, let me spark this blunt first…. “yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, Yo I’m the King, when I do my thing, yeah yeah, umm yo, I eat at Burger King, uhhh sometimes uhhh, in the Spring”…. Yo, wasn’t that HOT, I can rock the mic for hours KID, what you know about that… Yo check these tables out son, I spin betta than anyone… naw, they ain’t Technics… they’re Fisher Price, belt drives… the REAL SHIT…. Check this vinyl out, my mom’s go it for me for Christmas with my chain and shit… “Danny Bonaduce’s Greatest Hits” “Christmas With Kenny G” and my favorite, peep this, ” Donny Osmond & Fred Durst Duets” Yo, Fred and Donny are my BOYS… Yo peep Fred’s vocals on “Puppy Love” …. that’s my boy from the east coast, just like me…. even though he’s from Jacksonville…and if you ain’t down with that shit, you’re a straight bitch…yo get back at me, or I’ll fuck you up, FOR REAL BIATCH….

” What a fuckin retard! If you know these two retards, you know what I’m talkin about…

2 Responses to “From The Archives”

  1. great read, thanks.

  2. I have forgotten who it was but I first found out about your blog from a link posted on Twitter. . Like the stuff I have seen so far and will absolutely return to read more in a while. By the way, are you on Twitter?

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